The Straight Up Features : Tanqueray's Malacca Gin

Well, let me tell you something, but before I tell you, let me tell those SWINE AT TANQUERAY something. Hey, retards, you’ve got a KICK ASS gin on your hands here, so why isn’t it getting ANY play at your website? Are you idiots? I mean, you’ve got a contender, and you’re puttin’ it down. That’s just sad, man. Also, thanks for the great picture, you assholes. I also need to get a digital camera and start doing this stuff myself. I'm sick of stealing other peoples' (often subpar) photos off the net.

Of course, what I’m really saying here is, "It’s time for vs. Spy to stop wasting his time trying to learn about specific alcohols online and just get a subscription to a trade guide or something," but even so, I mean, why shouldn’t I be able to expect the freaking company to mention its own products on its website?

Seriously, this one just came out of the blue. I don’t know what possessed me to buy it, I was merely wandering through the isles of the Dickson Street Liquor Store and saw a lone bottle hidden away on the top shelf of the gin and vodka section and decided to buy it and give it a try.

In a sense I had the same kind of reaction to it that I had to Kettle One, namely that I was amazed and impressed by its strong flavor, especially in that such a flavor could also be so enjoyable. Malacca is, well, not exactly sweet and fruity, but definitely headed in that direction. It’s a lot less ‘pine’ and a lot more ‘lemon’ than other gins, and a lot less subtle in its presentation. The thing is that unlike most direct gins, the taste isn’t lost in a wash of burning liquor. Rather, it remains coherent, clear, delicious.

Of course, such a strong flavor makes it a poor mixer, but for a straight up, it’s just the thing, especially among those who don’t particularly like the really strong pine flavor of excessive juniper berries, although that flavor is still present, to an extent. This isn’t a ‘no juniper gin’ if such a thing is even possible. Really, it’s most excellent to sip.

I tried to do some research on ‘malacca’ gins, and this is, once again, a warning to myself that if I want to keep doing these reviews, I’m really going to have to educate myself in a manner more efficient than the world wide web has to offer. I find a few instances in which the type was mentioned as separate to London or Dutch gins, and I even found one vague reference referring to malacca gins in the plural, suggesting that there’s more than one out there, but when it came to specifics, I couldn’t find a single example of a malacca outside of Tanqueray’s, which makes me wonder. So I really don’t have a lot to say about the gin, how it’s made or whether Malacca is actually relevant as a new style of gin or whether it’s just a subset of London gins. It certainly tastes like a new trend in gins, and one I would encourage. You can thank the dweebs over at Tanqueray for that, since apparently no one would ever actually want to KNOW anything about the alcohol they were drinking. Bastards. What I did learn was that the name refers to the Malacca Straights, it's triple distilled and the recipe supposedly hails from 1839.

But that doesn’t matter. I’d like to think that people are still more interested in what I thought of any given liquor than what I learned about its history or production, and while I’d like to always provide the latter, I know I can always provide the former, and to everyone out there, even non gin lovers, give Tanqueray Malacca a try. It’s a whole new experience, one that you will probably really enjoy.

Key facts about Tanqueray Malacca :

Alcohol Content : 40%, which is kind of a shame because standard Tanqueray is over 45%, but I suppose that's why we don't suffer so much from drinking Malacca.

Price (.750) : Oh, yeah, before I forget, this is one of the best parts. I mean, seriously, I compare this stuff favorably to Sapphire (and I'm not alone) but it's, like, half the price. $18-20 easy, if you know where to look.

Notes : Half the reviews I read said it was a great mixer and half said that was bullshit. I'm in the second half. I mean, I know I shouldn't even be bothering to mention this in a straight up website, but I know that not everyone is like me, so I offer fair advice, DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING MIX IT, YOU IDIOT. PUT THE TONIC DOWN. STEP AWAY FROM THE TONIC.

Final Standing : Completely Pissed.